Danger: Extremely Flammable
by tradingforeverx
Summary: Am I the only one not on–ah, fire! My foot!" James yelled, picking up his foot and spinning in a circle. "I stepped in the fire! Bugger, I stepped in the fire!" LJ, AU, post-Hogwarts. Pure chaos.
1. Amy

**Summary: **James, Sirius, and Remus go on a trip to get away from the horror that is women. After getting their apparition licences taken away, they're forced to stay in one little Muggle town, where they meet a waitress who might have deeper secrets than even they do.

**AN: **A new fic because I say so.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Harry Potter, but the plots mine. You can have my homework if you'd like, though.

**Danger: Extremely Flammable**

by: tradingforeverx

Chapter One: Amy

_Crash!_

"I can't believe you!"

A young man with messy black hair ducked as another object was thrown at his head. "Calm down!" he yelled to the seething girl in front of him.

She pushed her blonde hair out of her eyes angrily. "Calm down? _Calm down?_ Did you really just tell me to _calm down_?" She threw a vase at him, which crashed eerily close to his head.

"I'm sorry, okay?" He yelled, covering his head with his arms. "Sorry! Sorry, sorry, sorry!"

"Well, _sorry_," she snarled, throwing another vase for emphasis, "isn't good enough!"

"_Where_ are you _getting_ all these _vases_?" he asked tiredly as he hid behind the sofa.

"It's called a _wand_, James!" she screeched.

"It was just one measly party, Ames," he tried to reason, picking up his head to stare at her through his hazel eyes behind the wire-rimmed glasses that sat askew on his nose.

"One party with _hookers_!" she yelled.

"Bachelor party!" he stressed as she sent more vases, one after the other. "Bachelor _party_!"

"Well, I'm sure _Alice_ wouldn't like knowing that Frank had hookers–"

"It was Sirius's idea!"

She scoffed. "Of _course_ it was."

"Oi, what's that supposed to mean?" He straightened up now, defensive.

"It means that your best mate is an _arse hole!_"

"Bugger!" he yelped as he threw himself to the floor just in time.

Another _crash!_

—x—

"I've decided," James Potter sighed, plopping himself down in front of his two best friends at the local pub, "that women are hardly worth my time any longer." He took a shot of fire whiskey before dropping the shot glass back down on the grubby table.

"Amy dump you?" Remus Lupin asked dryly, taking a drink of his Muggle beer.

At James's nod of confirmation, Sirius Black gave a loud bark of laughter. "Three down this year, Jimmy. And it's only March!"

James took another shot. "Shut up, Pads. And don't call my Jimmy."

"Aw, why?" Sirius teased, pinching his cheek ."You don't like your dear old Great Aunt Susy's name for you?" he cooed.

James slapped his hand away. "Get away, poof. We're in a pub. If you plan on getting laid this century, you might want to keep your girlish and slightly gay-ish tendencies to a minimum."

Remus rolled his eyes. "You blokes need lives," he remarked.

"Much like yourself, Moony?" Sirius shot back, grabbing the bottle of fire whiskey into his hands. "What do you do at home? Watch after Lucy?" He took a gulp of the whiskey out of the bottle.

"You know Alfred can't do it all the time, he has work–"

"You mean he has booze," James cut in.

"–something that you two," Remus continued, "would know nothing about."

Sirius scoffed. "What do I need a job for? I've got me some gold."

"What are you going to do when your gold runs out, Padfoot?" Remus asked, eyeing him shrewdly.

"That's easy," Sirius said. "Mooch of James. That bloke will _never_ run out of dough."

James rolled his eyes. "What makes you think I'll want you?" he asked, twirling the shot glass between his hands. "After all, Amy broke up with me because of you."

"Dude, I knew it!" Sirius exclaimed. "She was so digging me!"

James rolled his eyes as Remus snickered under his breath. "Hardly. It was actually because of the hookers at Frank's bachelor party."

Sirius paid him no mind. "That bird _wanted _me. Did you see how she acted every time I came over? I mean, in the beginning it was like, 'Hi, Sirius' and then it turned into 'Hiiii, Siriuuus.'" He wiggled his eyebrows as he smacked his lips.

Remus stared at him blankly. "You...you're just really stupid, has anyone ever told you that?"

"Amy didn't _want_ you, Pads," James said. "I'm pretty sure it wasn't _your_ name she was screaming every night, if you know what I'm sayin'." James smirked, giving Remus a high-five across the table as they laughed.

"Well, what are you going to do now, anyway?" Remus asked, slamming down his empty beer bottle. "New girl?"

"No," James said, spreading out his hands. "I'm thinking of just going solo for now, you know? Be a bachelor."

"Like Sirius?"

They both looked over at Sirius who was no longer paying attention to their conversation and instead giving his infamous Nod to a woman by the bar.

"No," James answered, turning back around. "Way better."

—x—

Sirius stumbled into his flat, a sloppy grin across his face along with a few lipstick smears. He'd gotten a bit lucky while he had been at the pub with James and Remus, but hadn't taken her back to his place for fear of the dreaded Morning After. Ah, well. The alleyway behind the pub was just as nice.

He flipped the light on in his living room, watching as a spider crawled across his floor. He stomped on it and smiled sleepily.

He entered his bedroom and flopped down onto his bed. The sheets smelt a bit stale after having not been washed in a very, _very_ long time, but they also smelt like his shampoo, which he inhaled greedily.

_Nothing better than you, _he thought to himself smugly.

However, just as he kicked off his boots and was about to fall into an easy slumber, a rapping on his window drew him from his stupor.

Eyebrows drawn together, he approached the window with caution, eyeing it uneasily. He grabbed his wand from his pocket and got ready to swipe at his curtains.

Just as he did, he almost screamed in shock. There, with her hands pressed up against the glass as well as her face, squishing her nose, was Morning After Number Three. She was, incidently, the reason why he'd last washed his sheets, as it had turned out that she was a virgin and she'd mussed up his bed.

"Sirius," she whimpered from outside his window, her breath steaming up the glass. "I _need_ you..."

He closed the curtains instantly, dropping his wand onto his bedside table.

"Sirius..."

He shuddered. _Note to self,_ he thought, _Never again sleep with a virgin._

"Sssirrriussss..."

_Even if it is sexy._

—x—

Remus entered his house with a slight swagger and smirk. He crept up the stairs to his right, not wanting to wake anyone else home. His feet fumbled over themselves on the carpets, but he reached his room with only minor mishaps (like getting his hand stuck under the railing.)

He threw open his door and giggled as it slammed against the wall. He shut it back quietly, shh-ing it the entire way before patting it softly.

Perhaps he'd had to much to drink. It always did bring out his inner-James and -Sirius. Which, in retrospect, was never that safe.

He didn't bother to turn on a light, instead navigating his way through his room by memory. A look to the window told him that it was almost day break, but as he undressed and got ready for bed, it might as well have been midnight. He crawled under his covers like a small child, wrapping them around himself and breathing in the fresh scent.

Unfortunately, it seemed that sleep was not was fate wanted for Remus as his door was thrown open and a girlish squeal sounded. "Remy!" the girl yelled.

He sighed, glancing up and asking patiently, "Yes, Lucy?"

For Remus was, in fact, a nanny.

**AN:** Hope you liked that little twist, haha. Don't even ask how that came to be in my weird head, it just did. Anyway, I want you to take a gander at this. A fic! And is that, perhaps, a plausible plot? It very well could be! Okay, well, I'm hoping so. I'm still trying to work out the kinks and come up with a game plan, something that I usually don't do, but it's coming. This chapter is more of an intro than anything else, and you can tell it's rather short, but I hope you like. Please review and keep faith in me!


	2. Minister of Magic

**AN:** Hola. Don't even ask why I'm updating. I've been trying to write anything for days now, but I opened this up and just said anything. I don't know if that means that you'll have another chapter (this fic, ro otherwise) soon or not, but it could be hopeful. Anyway, I want to say ahead of time that I don't want to offend anyone in this chapter. If you are religious, I am not making fun of your beliefs, but my friend and I have a Jesus joke going, not to mention that it was just funny, so I put it in. This chapter is pure chaos and general stupidity, so you have been warned.

**Disclaimer:** Do you think Rowling would give me Harry Potter for like, twenty bucks? That's all I have.

**Danger: Extremely Flammable**

by: tradingforeverx

Chapter Two: Minister of Magic

"Sirius, grab my arm!"

"Where did you put my peas?"

"I can't–I can't reach–"

"Grab my arm!"

"The peas, guys?"

"You're too bloody high up, you know–"

"_Grab it, god damn it!_"

Sirius took a swipe at James' arm but still could not reach. Sirius, although known largely as a player and was definitely more bite than bark, was a nice few inches under six feet and consequently could not reach the arm that James was swinging from the tree he was stuck in. Not that it was really James' fault, anyways, since Sirius was the one who threw his underwear up there anyway, and of course he'd had to go after them, as they _were_ his favorite heart boxers. He'd graduated in them. He'd lost his virginity in them. He'd bought his apartment in them. He did _everything _in them. And, alright, they were his only pair. Just don't even ask why he was going commando at that particular moment.

After trying again, Sirius plopped down on the ground. "You're on your own, mate. You're the one who got stuck."

"You guys," Remus said slowly, grasping his hands tightly. "I still need my peas."

Sirius looked over at him through the small, flickering flames of the fire in front of him while James struggled in the tree. "You need to get rid of that obsession with peas, Moony. You've been like that since I first _met_ you, man."

"Peas help calm me down, you _know_ that."

James fell with a thump to the ground. He picked his head up to look at his mates, his glasses now somewhere in his thick head of hair. "I hate you all."

A rustle to the right of their camp site attracted all three pairs of eyes. Sirius scrambled over to where James was strewn, while Remus stayed completely still.

"Not the bears again!" James moaned.

One might be wondering how three grown men found themselves in the middle of a forest in front of a fire, searching through trees for underwear, complaining about peas, and running away from bears (again.) And one would be correct in being so confused. However, once the word 'Marauders' were added, one would be expected to answer with an all-knowing ,"Oh."

However, for those unfamiliar, I'll elaborate. The Marauders, always one for pranks and half-baked plans, liked to get in trouble. Another thing they liked to do was act on impulse...

_They sat at their regular table in their regular pub. Sirius and Remus sat next to each other, their backs to the wall, while James sat across from them. It was where they always sat. It was what they always did. Nothing was different._

"_I'm thinking the brunette at four o'clock,"Sirius said, nodding his head over at the girl standing by the bar._

_Remus looked over before shaking his head, a pinched look on his face. "Not even. She looks like James' mum."_

"_Oh, gross!" James yelped, turning to look at the woman. "What–what are you talking about, Moony? That looks nothing like–oh Merlin, that's my mum!" He automatically threw himself under the table, hissing upwards, "You're disgusting, Pads. You got the hots for my mum? The woman's ancient!"_

"_Whatever," Sirius answered, still looking at Mrs. Potter. "She's got some junk in her trunk."_

"_What did we tell you about those Muggle phrases, Sirius?" Remus groaned._

_Sirius shrugged. "Something about butter..." he mumbled, distracted, still, by James' mum._

"_Sirius?" Remus asked. "Are you even listening to me?"_

_James crouched smaller under the table. "Is she gone yet?" he whispered. "What's she even doing here?"_

"_I'll have the rent tomorrow, Joe,"Sirius muttered, before breaking out of his trance as Mrs. Potter left. "What'd you blokes say?"_

_Remus sighed, nudging James with his foot. "She's gone, mate."_

_James uncurled himself from under the table, stretching out his longs limbs. "Old women in pubs..." he grumbled angrily._

_Remus ignored him, eyeing Sirius. "You must be getting desperate, Padfoot. James' mum?"_

"_Yeah, dude," James said. "She like, fed you porridge when you had the measles in third year."_

_Sirius rolled his eyes. "Your mum's hot, James. You gotta know that."_

"_She's _married_."_

"_Never stopped me before," Sirius answered, grinning._

"_Gross," Remus whispered, while James looked on as if watching a car crash. _

_Their Marauder-dilemma was interrupted as a small woman came up to their table, her smile bright in the dim pub. "Hello, gentlemen. I'm just here handing out flyers for a camping trip. It's for Jesus Christ. Would you like one?"_

_Remus smiled politely. shaking his head. "No, thank you. I'm quite busy."_

"_Devil" was all that James said._

_Sirius, however, had his eyes attached to the picture on the flyer. "Yeah," he answered. "Yeah, I'll take one."_

_She smiled, handing him a flyer, shooting a quick look to James before going to the next few people in the pub. _

"_What'd you take one of those for, Pads?" Remus asked, glancing over at it. It had a large picture of Jesus on it and a tent over his head, saying, 'Jesus Camps.' "You planning on becoming religious?"_

"_Guys," he whispered. "Guys, we should do this!"_

"_What?" James asked, snorting. "Pray?"_

"_No." Sirius shook his head, looking up at them with bright eyes and waving the flyer around. "Camping! It's a great idea!" He was practically standing on his chair now. "Look, it'll help you get away from your women problems, James. And you, Remus, you need to get away from that little girl sometime. And me, well, hey, I think James' mum is smokin'. I probably need some fresh air too!"_

"_What are you trying to say about my mum–"_

"_Sirius, I don't think that's a great idea..."_

"_It's wonderful! Come on, guys. What's the problem? You scared?"_

Which is how they got to the middle of nowhere. Of course, they apparated there (where was there, anyway?) since they weren't in the best shape (no shape, really) for hiking, and then they didn't really have a tent, so they were just going to make a bed out of leaves, or at least that was the plan until the bear showed up and stole them all. And now it seemed to be back for a second helping...

"I t–thought you weren't scared, Prongs," Sirius stuttered, pressing up against his best mate.

"I'm not," James lied, practically clutching onto Sirius as well. "It's just...well, bears have teeth and..."

"My peas!" Remus suddenly screamed, lunging for the can rolling near the fire. "My peas!"

"Remus, don't!" James yelled after him, watching as his friend grabbed the can and rolled, as if a spy. James let out a sigh before he realized Remus' hair was, in fact, on fire. "Oh, Merlin, Remus! Your hair! It's on fire! Fire!"

The rustling was louder now before an animal of some kind burst out of the trees. Sirius screamed loudly, eyeing something that swooped through the air at him. "It's a bird! It's a plane! It an–"

"Owl!" Remus yelled, though his hair was still on fire and he was jumping up and down while James circled him, trying to think of something to do. "It's an owl! Get the owl! Owl! Ow–oh, God! My head!"

The owl dropped something onto the ground before flying away in a rush. Sirius peered over at it, ignoring his friends yelps, and eyes the red thing on the ground. It looked...well, it sort of resembled...

"A howler!" he yelled, jumping up and diving behind the fire. "It's a howler! Bugger, not my mum _again_!"

The howler rose into the air, forming a mouth and lips and a tongue with its folds. "Dear Mr. Black, Mr. Lupin, and Mr. Potter," it said loudly, it's voice very official, although Sirius' arm was now on fire and the boys were too loud to make out the words. "It has come to our attention–"

"Mr arm," Sirius yelped, "My arm, my arm! Oh, Godric, it's on _fire_!"

"–you apparated into strictly–"

"I think I'm bald," Remus moaned, slamming his hands against his head.

"Am I the _only one_ not on–ah, fire! My foot!" James yelled, picking up his foot and spinning in a circle. "I stepped in the fire! Bugger, I stepped in the fire!"

"–consequently, you are now–"

"I need this arm! It's my right arm! I do everything with my right arm! I'm a righty!"

"–we are sorry if–"

"I can't drink anymore! I can't hold my wand anymore! I can't write anymore! I probably can't read anymore! Aw, shit! I can't–"

"–and if so, you may contact–"

"–anymore! What am I supposed to do when I can't get laid now?"

"At _least_ it's not your _foot_! I can't walk!"

"Well, maybe if you weren't stupid enough to step in _fires_–"

"Oh, stuff it, I'm practically bald!"

"–Sincerely, The Minister of Magic."

Suddenly, all was quiet. The fire that had once been inside the circle of rocks had fizzled out. Sirius had unknowingly performed Stop, Drop, and Roll. James had stomped his foot enough that the fire was no longer there. Remus patted the fire out of his hair.

"Did you just say you were the Minster of Magic, Pads?" Remus asked warily, looking around the forest suspiciously.

"No, why the bugger would I do that?"

"I thought I heard it, too," James said, letting his foot fall to the ground.

"It was probably just the wind," Sirius commented, rolling onto his back and trying to look at his arm in the pitch dark.

"It's quiet," Remus whispered loudly. "I got set on fire trying to get my peas. I don't like this. Jesus may camp, but I don't. I'm out." There was a pause before, "Just gimme a second." Another pause. "I..." Remus sighed loudly before cursing under his breath. "I can't apparate! Why can't I apparate?"

"Well, you see, Remus," Sirius said slowly. "In order to apparate, one must concentrate very hard on where they are trying to go. Then, they must–"

"Stuff it, Sirius!" Remus practically yelled. "I really can't apparate!"

"I can't either," James put in softly.

Remus whipped around to look at him. "What? You can't either? What the–"

"Oh, shit!" Sirius yelled over them. "I can't either! What happened to..."

A contemplative silence before all three of them yelled loudly, "The howler!"


End file.
